| | Current Music: | Linkin Park - Part Of Me | | Subject: | The Tower | | Time: | 12:37 am | | Current Mood: | bleeding |
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| Recently, I have come across a more fitting ending to the story: the Tower itself caves in and crumbles, leaving only broken stone and dust.
( Part of Me ) | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| | Subject: | RIP Beepy | | Time: | 10:12 pm | | Current Mood: | devastated |
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| | Several days ago, Anna went into minor surgery for her gall bladder. Complications from the anesthesia resulted in a coma. She passed away on 10/04/04 from an anoxic stroke, due to lack of oxygen getting to her brain. She has left behind a great many friends and family. She was a good person, a great friend, and she will be dearly missed. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | I am simply here long enough to let you know that I have not, in fact dropped from existence again. Quite the opposite, it seems that having beaten my head against the wall for so long, I can just now finally see the first glimmer of light. Here is to hoping that it is not just stars I am seeing. I will fill in the rest of the details later. For now, I am going to slip out of consciousness and into something more comfortable. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Black Eyed Peas - Anxiety | | Subject: | Sucking it up | | Time: | 02:20 am |
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| The meek shall inherit the earth. How. . .cute.
The strong are meant to care for the weak. At one time this was true, and it worked, but no longer. Where we formerly served, we are now enslaved, shackled by the petty "correctness" imposed upon the world by those who, without our protection, would be prey. Everywhere I turn, with one precious exception, I am restrained, for the benefit of everyone else. So, I ask now, when is it my turn? When do I get to say what I am thinking, share what I am feeling, without being put down, judged or attacked for not conforming? There are so many things in my head I would like to turn loose, much more, even, than I have revealed here. Tell me then, what is needed. Will it require strength in others, or weakness in myself? If either of those is the case, then I suppose I will simply have to continue holding my tongue.
Freebirths.
This song seems to articulate my frustration, disgust and despair fairly well, even if every set of lyrics I have found requires corrections
( Black Eyed Peas - Anxiety ) | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I hate to say it, but my interest in Tesla seems to have evolved into an obsession, of sorts. It is difficult not to note every parallel in personality, no matter how much I attempt to rationalize it away. Seems that in this, as in everything else, I can not follow my own rules. Here are a couple of further quotes that I will post, simply for my own amusement. I will see about catching up more, regarding the past several days, but this week has been very trying.
( From: Tesla, Man Out Of Time ) | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Avril Lavigne - Take Me Away | | Time: | 11:33 pm |
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| There is not much I can put into words tonight. There is, in fact, far too much, and I can not put things into few enough words to relate here. To be more precise, a few days ago I attempted to drive the events of the last week from my head, purge them from my mind to the page, and set down nearly two thousand words before the tidal wave finally died down to a mere flood. Two and a half pages of solid text. . . The most pertinent part of it being that I have let too much get to me, and nearly lost my sense of reality, in a frighteningly literal sense. I am lucky to be alive, though perhaps a little disappointed. I can not tell for sure.
I do not dream often, or at least I do not remember dreams often. Of the ones I do, most run along the same theme, and the ones that deviate are not usually of any significance. There is one constant, however: I almost never encounter people I know in my dreams, and when reality becomes so involved that it bleeds into my dreams, it means I need to take a long, hard look at life.
At any given time, I am in the middle of a few different books, and one that holds much of my interest currently is an in-depth biography of Nikola Tesla, genius, madman, alien to humanity. He is a fascinating figure, one that draws my attention of some similarities I see in personality, regardless of how different his life was. I have been struck by a number of things in this book, and here are a few excerpts, things said about and to him. I find that I exceed Tesla in one trait: hubris.
"So many ideas go chasing through his brain that he can only seize a few of them as they fly, and of these he can only find the time and strength to bring a few to perfection."
"You are making a mistake, my dear friend, almost a fatal one. You think you do not need change and rest. You are so tired you do not know what you need...."
"Your do not need anybody, inhuman that you are. How strange it is that we cannot do without you."
( Take Me Away ) | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | fuck it, Ill post tomorrow, soon as I figure out what the point is. . .nothing worth saying anyway | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| An expansive easel of the deepest blue, and only the dullest of colors of paint. So little to work with, yet so much comes of it. A streak of orange rolls across the canvas, but not in a straight line. It is a branching vein, arcing, jumping, diving, dancing from edge to edge. It is a masterful stroke, genius in its complexity, beautiful in its simplicity. Yet it only exists for an instant, then it is gone, swept aside to make way for the next touch of the brush. Nothing remains, save the image still glowing in my eye, and the words already burning into my mind as I wait for the next bolt of lightning to illuminate the night sky. In this, I have nearly found one moment of perfect beauty.
The lightning does not seem to bolt so much. It moves at a much more leisurely pace, wandering across the sky, ever turning one direction or another as it spans miles of space just beneath the clouds. Just behind, like a straggling duckling following its mother, an expansive glow trails along, lighting up the firmament from the inside. Other strokes create undulating ribbons, standing on edge as they wander across the heavens, looking much as I imagine the aurora borealis must appear.
Tonight's excursion being a design and production class, we embarked on a one night project. Divided into groups, we made paper airplanes. Yes, paper airplanes. The prototypes were used to write instructions which were passed to another team who attempted to duplicate the design, with varying levels of success. My final model, essentially a javelin and by far the least creative of my various eccentric attempts, achieved the best distance of a first version, coming up just short of the distance flown by the most effective of the planes created from the instructions.
I was nearly lost to sleep earlier, before class, but I arrived intact. After being wide awake while racing from one design to the next, and the models in between, things are now rapidly fading. As the whirlwind in my head casts its torrents of words onto the page, the cacophony dies down and I find myself much more tired than when I began. I have been online for a while now, and having met with mild amusement, much enjoyment, and shock coupled with despair, I have concluded that it is time to leave consciousness behind again. Until tomorrow anyway. Again. *sigh*
As a final note, I was struck by a thought which I will share. I am sorry that it is as cryptic as the subject of the post, but it is no less meaningful.
The height of the human brain is engineering, but the pinnacle of the human mind is art. Both of these, however, are eclipsed by the human heart, and love, which is the greatest achievement a person can have.
Note: this was begun about three hours ago, and had to be reconstructed because Semagic got hung up on some error or other. If not for that, I would have been long in bed already. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Michiru Yamane - I Am The Wind | | Time: | 10:41 pm |
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| Sad, I still seem to draw a blank when faced with this screen, when my mind swirls the rest of the time. Perhaps this is the way to achieve inner peace: stare at the LJ client until all consciousness fades away. Admittedly, though, I am fairly close to the edge of consciousness right now.
Two new people started at work today, heralding my sneezing all day. Think Im allergic to n00bs. Other than that business as usual. . .damn it.
Hurried home and off to classes, which proved interesting. Already dont like Pro Engineering, I dont care how shit hot the software is supposed to be, nothing will ever convince me that playing musical buttons has anything on AutoCAD's command line entry. Especially when I used to leave our PhD engineer in the dust, at my previous job. I miss that place :(:(:( Oh, and fuck Inventor. Damn physicists. Second class was more interesting. CNC (computer numerical control, which probably only serves to cause further confusion) Programming I. This is the prereq for the class I took last fall semester. As if I werent fucked up enough. On the upside, my professer wholeheartedly agrees with my idea to talk to the dean and see about testing out of the class, allowing me to transfer directly into the next class, which is being taught concurrently. Sounds like a plan, just need to review my notes and tests, and brush up on my G and M codes. (anyone who doesnt understand that, ignore it)
So I guess I managed to fill this out after all.
To close, a few extra thoughts: apparently no one else in this forsaken house knows how to empty the drier's lint trap. . .freebirths. Still tired, constantly. Hasnt seemed to have gotten any better in weeks. Sore too, from sleeping so poorly. . .kind of a circular problem, but Ive gotten used to it, so its dulled somewhat. Mostly, these days, I just miss my friends, so much, especially the ones I never get to see anymore. Must be something I can do, but I never even know if I should. That is the one thing that never will go away.
( I Am the Wind ) | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Lacuna Coil - To Myself I Turned | | Subject: | kickstart | | Time: | 01:22 am |
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| For the maybe two people who remember this journal exists, I am going to try reviving it and see how things work out.
There I was, ready for the first day of school with my books in my backpack, a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich in my Jade Falcon lunchbox, and trepidation in my heart. I got on the bus and rode to school, only to find I had no classes today. On the bright side, I will be seeing a lot of my favorite professor, and these classes will bring me closer to finishing this step of education, and life. Can't wait to see the end of the path, just wish it weren't such a long trip.
I know there were several other things I wanted to post, but they all evade me atm. Guess I will catch up more later.
( Lacuna Coil - To Myself I Turned ) | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| What follows is something which probably falls under the category of "Things Which Man Was Not Meant To Know". However, I have never been very good at not knowing things.
I apologize in advance for the following, which reads less like an actual dissertation, and more like a alcohol soaked rant uttered late at night, tossing discontent into the darkened sky, and piercing any ear which turns to listen. It is also disjointed to the point of being nearly incoherent, (since "incoherency" does not really sound like a word) though like everything else it sounded so much better in my head.
A point has been brought up many times regarding my general lack of sleep. Some people have even inquired how it is that I function on four hours of sleep every night, or stay up a day and a half at a stretch. What follows is a long and involved, though quite inclusive explanation.
( Read at your own risk )
I don't know what else to say here, except to point out that I started writing this without the intention of posting it, as usual. This, and everything else seems so pointless when extracted from my mind and revealed to the light of day.
Will I ever follow the old adage of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"? Well, there are so few good things I have to say right now. . .I would like to say that life will turn around, that good things are just on the horizon. The problem is that all the good things I can see at all are already here with me. And it should be enough, it really should. The light is so hard to see through all the darkness, though, that sometimes I lose sight of it, to my detriment and all those around me. Guess for now, I will keep surviving, hoping that living will come with time. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| sure, this isnt going through, posting all about how Im feeling with everything going on, and how much Im getting screwed by everyone in general, and some people in particular, but what the fuck, maybe emotion will get through; not like anything else has sunk in, and besides, it makes the point
( P5hng Me A-wy and Boiler )
thats the version of Pushing Me Away from the Reanimation (remix) version of Linkin Park's album, along with good old Limp Biskit's song from the Chocolate Starfish. not classy in any sense, but Ive been beating my head against the wall so long that I dont see anything much changing now. does explain my fondness for that shade of red, however. . . | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Linkin Park - By Myself | | Subject: | freebirth | | Time: | 11:10 pm |
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| Well, judging from my friends' posts, and lack thereof, the baseline of life is still in place. That is a bad thing, for anyone who does not follow.
So after a very unpleasant week, topped off by an entire weekend of being miserably ill, it is time to start it all over again. Now, I have managed to add to my list of accomplishments by gaining a new arch foe on a failed boot run. And now, of course, it occurs to me to set my perform to hmsever. Millions of exp gone, which translates to hours upon hours of work to recover.
Honestly, I do not even remember why I get out of bed anymore, except for the force of habit. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Evanescence - Whisper | | Time: | 02:59 am | | Current Mood: | detached |
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| Figured I would post publicly, to let everyone know that I am still alive, or something. I played Arkanoid tonight, or what passes for it, in one of the hundreds of different forms that it has appeared in over the years. When I say "playing", I mean that I am sitting here, watching the screen, the paddle moves, the ball bounces and bricks are destroyed, and my hand is moving back and forth on the mouse, but I am only watching. Whatever is going on with the game, it is playing itself. And that, I've realized, is what has been bothering me so much for the past. . .I have no idea how long. In action or inaction, whatever the circumstances, I seem to have again become almost an observer in my own life. I go through the regular routines because it has to be done. Responsibility waits for no one. The rest of the time. . .there seems to be little point to anything, because the results are always the same. Another fun little quirk is the association of optimism with doom. It seems whenever I become hopeful, when it seems something could work out well, it goes to hell. As one example, I was recently test driving a car, everything looked great. The engine looked and sounded wonderful, the body was in almost perfect shape, everything I checked over looked good, and I am no slouch when it comes to auto mechanics. Took it for a drive, was working well, handled nicely. Then, all of a sudden, the transmission went out. I had been getting a really good feeling about it too, and had mentioned that fact to Aijin, along with thought that I should be quite cautious because of it. Figures. This helplessness is even more fun since is it coupled with the feeling of being a pressure cooker, venting only ever enough to keep from detonating. Anything to keep the peace, right? I just hope I’m not around when I finally explode. To keep this post from being a complete waste, here are a couple of quizzes I took, on the order of a few weeks ago, and didn't care enough to post. Now I don't care enough not to.
( Relationships and Angels )
Well, whatever. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Stabbing Westward - Haunting Me | | Time: | 03:54 am | | Current Mood: | devastated |
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| When I first filled out the survey, I gave several vague and ambiguous answers, and dodged others completely. Here are the answers I did not give before, as well as the ones that have changed, since the first time. I know this is going to cause problems, but I can not in good conscience leave so many things unsaid. Life is not fair, to be sure, and I have made it less so, by not being honest with all of you. I would invite people to not read it, but I think those of you who have access to my friends only posts have an interest in this. The best I can offer is that these are my honest answers, and sitting down and saying all of this has been one of the hardest things I have done lately. If you take an interest in this, or find some measure of understanding, or have been wondering, I hope this will not have been in vain. To those of you who will be hurt by what I have said here, I am truly sorry. I have, for hours, been fighting the urge to just delete all of this and pretend it will go away. It will not, and facing that fact is the only way anything can be fixed. I am finished for now, though I know that later I will remember more things I wanted to say. They will keep. I wish so much that things were already better, and that I did not have this sense of impending doom, but that will take work. This will perhaps be a first step.
( Answers ) | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | I send this from a pathetic little net kiosk in the lobby of my hotel in West Covina, CA. The keyboard is worse than a laptop's (the space "bar" is three keys) and the noise from the people around is nearly deafening. A great deal has happened in the past several days, and I have seen that much has happened in my absence as well. It is 7:45, 15 minute before I leave on the shuttle to the airport for an 11:15 flight, 3 hour layover, and shuttle trip from Indy. It will be about 12 hours before I am home. Further, it has been just over 12 hours since I said goodbye to one old friend, and one new one. Our time together has been enjoyable, though far, far too short. Still, there is always the future. This is the balance, between their departure and my arrival, and this will be the turning point in life. I have learned a great deal, while I have been gone, and I look forward to seeing all of my friends when I get back. I have been missing you all greatly. I see there will be a great deal of catching up to do, and I can't wait to get started. I would have hoped things had gone better in my absence, but I was left with little choice, at least in my own mind. I have wearied of letting opportunities slip through my grasp, and I do not regret taking hold of this one. Now, I will be on my way. "For I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep." Take care, my friends, sleep well, and miss me no longer, for soon I shall be with you again. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | If I may have one final request before I am summarily executed, please ask Ajsha to tell you the rest of what has been going on, recently and over the past few years. I would defend myself, but having already been thrown to the wolves, I appear to be such a piece of shit that nothing I have to say would be considered, much less believed. As it is, you have not even been told all of her half of what has been going on. Then again, perhaps she really is living in complete misery, and her saying that she does not want to lose me is a lie. You are her friends, and you are giving her the best advice you can with what you know, but there is a great deal that you do not. So damn me if you will, but at least know why. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| | I have been giving the subject a great deal of thought lately. The thoughts make me want to cry. Not just cry, but weep, long, burning, bitter tears. I heard her laugh today. And not just laugh, but laugh with someone. I can not remember the last time we laughed together. Of course, there has been laughter, at something in a movie, a comment one of us or the other makes, something written on a web page, on the mud. . .but that is completely different. This was not laughing at something, the mocking, derisive mirth directed at some unfortunate person or situation. This was just the mirth, just the uninhibited joy brought about from being. I begin to think, more strongly than ever, that this may be the part of "loving something very much" that involves letting go. That, in fact, is one of the points of this excursion. I have wondered for years how much better the world would be, for not having me in it. I say better because though I know I have done some good, helped people and brought joy into their lives, lately it all seems like a match flame next to the black hole of the pain and sorrow I have brought down on others. I know all of you have seen It's a Wonderful Life. I also know that several of you have considered yourself in that role. A couple of you have even wished for it, the opportunity to have never existed. I have thought, pondered, wondered and wished for this exact thing. And this is it. For the next week, I no longer exist. The Guardian and the Demon will spread their wings, and vanish into the Maelstrom. Daishi's armor will stand, cold and empty, within the Kingdoms. This will be the measure, perhaps of everything, for my best hope is that when I return, I will find that there is some hole, some emptiness left in my absence. Some. . .thing that marks my having existed, and having been worth existing, worth knowing. And I hope that I will fit that void, be able to do the good, and be rid of the bad. My friends should be able to come to me, when things make them cry. I should not be the reason they shed those tears. So I will leave. I will search for perspective on life, an understanding that I do not possess. And maybe. . .just maybe, when I get back, I will finally be myself. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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